I've been thinking a lot about the relationship between me and my mum.
I respect her, I like her apparently, but recently I realised that I used to act to make her satisfied with me, meeting her expectations of me, begging her love.
How did I come up with this idea?
I spent about a year in England 4 years ago and I can definately say that it was the best moment in my life. Everyday was full of joyment and excitement. I was so active and cheerful. I used to say to my ex, "you wouldn't like me if we met in Korea." Because I never act like I did in England. Why?
I was "ME" rather than someone's first daughter who have to behave well all the time, not to make any trouble, not to piss her mum. Mum wasn't there with me. That's why.
(I wouldn't make any troubles anyway.) I didn't need to consider of my reputation and my family's. That has been a burden for me, which I recently realised about that fact though.
When I was young, I sometimes hated my little brother who was only a trouble maker in the family. I felt my parents took care more of him than me. Though I got good grades in exams or got some prizes, it was just what I had to do. Nothing special. I worked hard to make them proud of me but I guess they didn't really appreciated of my work, at leat as much as I expected from them to get.
My bro made so much trouble and if I were them, I would just stop caring about him, but not for my mum.
Anyway it's not really important now. I don't beg for her concern anymore. The thing presses me now is that her blind faith in me. I'm not as good as I used to be. I hope she stop expecting from me anything. I cannot give her what she wants.
That's why I want to fly to anywhere. Doesn't matter where, as long as I can get away of her influence. Get out of the house and her belief in me.
As I'm getting old, I realise we are so different, and it scares me a hell of a lot that I don't know how to fill the gap.
I respect her, I like her apparently, but recently I realised that I used to act to make her satisfied with me, meeting her expectations of me, begging her love.
How did I come up with this idea?
I spent about a year in England 4 years ago and I can definately say that it was the best moment in my life. Everyday was full of joyment and excitement. I was so active and cheerful. I used to say to my ex, "you wouldn't like me if we met in Korea." Because I never act like I did in England. Why?
I was "ME" rather than someone's first daughter who have to behave well all the time, not to make any trouble, not to piss her mum. Mum wasn't there with me. That's why.
(I wouldn't make any troubles anyway.) I didn't need to consider of my reputation and my family's. That has been a burden for me, which I recently realised about that fact though.
When I was young, I sometimes hated my little brother who was only a trouble maker in the family. I felt my parents took care more of him than me. Though I got good grades in exams or got some prizes, it was just what I had to do. Nothing special. I worked hard to make them proud of me but I guess they didn't really appreciated of my work, at leat as much as I expected from them to get.
My bro made so much trouble and if I were them, I would just stop caring about him, but not for my mum.
Anyway it's not really important now. I don't beg for her concern anymore. The thing presses me now is that her blind faith in me. I'm not as good as I used to be. I hope she stop expecting from me anything. I cannot give her what she wants.
That's why I want to fly to anywhere. Doesn't matter where, as long as I can get away of her influence. Get out of the house and her belief in me.
As I'm getting old, I realise we are so different, and it scares me a hell of a lot that I don't know how to fill the gap.
댓글
댓글 쓰기